Someone once told me that my love starts at 9 PM. This person told me this because every time we would set a time to meet for dinner or even talk on the phone, I would say the best time for me is 9 PM. This is because I normally don’t get off of work until 7 PM.
After a while it stopped being just a time and now we have made that our special time to talk on the phone when we are not around each other. It’s amazing how a simple, consistent habit can become a powerful symbol of connection.
I have spent more of my life single then in a relationship and most of my friends know this. There are times when my newly single girlfriends have come to me and ask ‘How to be single?’. Of course I am always willing to help my friends, but I just think that is a strange question. I think it is strange because newly single people act as if they have never been single. I can understand if someone was in a relationship for five years and then broke up with their significant other or if you are a serial monogamists, but if you were only in a relationship for a year, don’t try to act like you forgot what the single life was like.
But, to answer the question, I would say just enjoy your single time. I treat myself to the things that I want. Those things include going out to eat, going on trips, buying nice things and trying new things, just to name a few. I make sure that I treat myself the way that I want to be treated. If there is something I want to do, I make it happen. If there is something that makes me unhappy, I change it. This works for me because doing these things makes me happier with myself and that is the person that I want going into a relationship. Also, as I am dating people, it reminds me not to settle because I always remember the happiness that I created for myself and how I learned to treat myself right.
When I was young, I use to be extremely shy. I was always quiet, afraid to speak my mind and I was always agreeable because I was worried about not being liked. Now, that I am 37 years old, I embrace who I am. I no longer consider myself as shy, but I do consider myself as reserved and I embrace my introverted personality. I use to feel pressured to be loud, extremely outspoken and even sassy because I thought that was what other people liked and I was tired of other people telling me that I was too quiet. I realize that I am not that person. I am calm, reserved and observant and there is nothing wrong with that.
I feel so much better now that I am embracing myself. I am introverted and there is nothing wrong with that. With embracing myself, I have learned to speak up for myself and I am not worried about who likes me and it shows. This year, I ran into a couple of friends I went to high school with and they told me I had a glow. That glow comes from me embracing who I am. I am calm and quiet and I love it.
One of my favorite movies is He’s Just Not That Into You. I learned a valuable lesson when I watched this movie for the first time many years ago. When I was younger I used to overanalyze why things didn’t work out with someone that I was dating. I used to wonder if it was me, if it was something that I did or if there was anything that I could do to change the outcome, but then I realized that it was just very simple, he just wasn’t that into me.
In my past I would meet guys that seemed interested, but would slowly stop calling and making it seem like their life was just so busy or he had a lot on his mind. I use to believe that they were too busy, but I learned that if a man wants to call you or spend time with you, he will. He is not going to be too busy or too anything to pick up the phone and call and want to spend time with you. A man saying he is too busy is just a way to say he is not that into you without actually having to say the words.
One of the things that irritates me is when someone says ‘I hate to ask, but….’. The reason this bothers me is because if you hate to ask, then don’t. If you are going to ask me a question, then you don’t hate to ask because you just wouldn’t. I am very black and white about a lot of things and this is one of them. Either you hate to ask or you don’t.
This also implies with other sayings such as:
There have been several times when people have invited me places and said that they didn’t have anybody else to go with. I wonder if they hear themselves or realize how that sounds. This can be a good thing or a bad thing.
Sometimes, this can be a start of a new friendship. A person can invite someone somewhere because they didn’t have anyone else and realize that they enjoyed spending time with that person. If both people enjoyed each others company then more than likely, they will do it again.
Other times, it is just using people. If you only reach out to someone when you don’t have anyone else to go with then that is using someone. I have had friends who would only invite me out when they don’t have anyone to go with, but when they have someone else to go with they don’t invite me.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends that do that and I know that they would do the same for me if I was to come to them and say that I don’t have anybody to go with, which by the way, I wouldn’t do. I personally don’t think that is the best thing to say. Either I go by myself, don’t go out all or I might even re-sell the tickets to an event. I don’t want to be that person that is only inviting someone because I don’t have anyone else to go with. I want to invite someone because I genuinely want to spend time with that person.
When someone says to me “I was going to invite you, but I didn’t know if you wanted to come”, the first thought that comes to my head is ‘Isn’t that what invites are for?’. The purpose of inviting someone is to find out if they want to come. When people say this to me, I think either they didn’t want to invite me, but want to make it seem like they did or they did want to invite me, but they are scared of rejection.
Most of the time, I believe the reason for one saying this is because they did not want to invite me, but want credit for thinking about it. Most of my friends know that when they invite me out, nine times out of ten, I am there. I think people say this as a way of not feeling guilty about not inviting me or wanting credit for something they didn’t do. As I have matured in life, I have learned to not take this personal. People spend time with who they want to, when they want to and how they want to.
There are a few times when I felt that it was because the person feared being rejected. I think that this fear among friends is strange. Friends should feel comfortable asking one another to hang out and go places together. Nowadays it seems that people don’t want to be that vulnerable, but that is a conversation for another blog post.
A few of my friends always tell me that I taught them the power of the word No. Two of them in particular have told me that they have been in situations in which they thought about how I would respond and have even came to me for advise on how to tell someone no in different scenarios.
I learned the power of the word no overtime. I learned that people will do to you what you let them and I knew that I had to start standing up for myself. I learned that the best way to say no, is to just say ‘No’ and not give a reason, especially in situations where someone is trying to take advantage. When you give someone a reason as to why you don’t want to do something they use that as a way to make a rebuttal as to why you should do it. By not giving them a reason you don’t give them the opportunity to try to convince you to do something that you don’t want to do. If the person is bold enough to ask why I just give them a vague reason such as ‘I just don’t want to’.
Once, I started using the power of the word no, it made my life so much easier. I felt better once I realized that I don’t have to explain myself to people or do anything that I don’t want to do.